Behind the Scenes with J’ammanuel Egnoue: Why Almunia should take penalties

AFCB special columnist J’ammanuel Egnoue explains Arsene Wenger’s texting and why Almunia should take penalties…

This week was a week of ups and downs.

On Monday evening, my beloved panther Lauren passed away. It seems that he died of some kind of food poisoning related mishap. I guess thats the last time I feed my panthers cavier and truffles. Lauren’s brother Dixon looked lonely, so I went out and immediately got another Panther. I’ve called him Bergkamp.

You’ll know of my panthers – I had trained them since cubs to hunt down Christiano Ronaldo. I’ve got a bit of a job on my hand training  Bergkamp to hunt and injure Ronaldo, but thats the price you pay when you want well trained killer panthers. I’m determined to get Bergkamp an Arsenal jersey and get him out playing football like this adorable Arsenal dog.

Nothing on Bergkamp, but still...

Alex Song came round the night Lauren died, and we played some darts and did some freestyle rapping to help me deal with my grief.

On Tottenham…

The obvious up was our thrashing of Tottenham. 4-1! You don’t see that every day. Many people were wondering what Arsene was doing in the stands texting constantly, thinking he was sending instructions to Pat Rice. Well he might have been, but I think he went a bit mad on the texting, to be honest. When I checked my mobile phone at half-time, guess what the boss had sent me!

Egnoue! U fune ba*d, do som fune schet, I nEd a Laff.”

He must have felt it necessary to talk about my couple of off target shots.

“Stop tkng shots @ goal U lamer. I put U on az a full bak!”

…and he doesn’t like Harry Redknapp…

“Harry Redknapp iz a l0s3r. U hav choice skiLz Egnoue. Talk to youz l8terz.”

Jack Wilshere Terrier And Keiran ‘Gibbo’ Gibbs had outstanding games. I definitely high fived both the guys in the shower later and gave them a bit of a towel whipping. I don’t think they appreciated it though – particularly the whipping part.

On Sunderland…

I was on the bench for the Sunderland match. I didn’t mind all that much. But I did get involved in a minor way that you may have missed during the live telecast. You see, despite his happy face, Darren Bent is a troubled man. He once confessed to me during a match that he always feels sad about scoring against Arsenal – he used to be a ticket holder at Highbury . I felt sad for Bent so I ran on the field and gave him a hug.

Me hugging Bent

The fourth official gave me a severe talking to for that piece of tomfoolery.

On the penalty miss…

I’ve demanded that, from now on, I take the penalties. Rosicky! What was Tomas thinking taking that penalty? Tomas is not the smartest footballer I’ve ever come across. He once suggested to the manager that we play “4-4-3”. What in the hell?

We should have got Manuel Almunia to step up. He’s a great penalty taker! I know this because I was playing Fifa 2010 at home and as a laugh I put Manuel in as our penalty taker, corner kick and free kick taker and he took the opposition apart with his most excellent ability to find the net from any dead ball situation. Surely, FIFA 2010 wouldn’t lie to me? Of course, we’d have to have a rock solid defense from these situations in case Manuel happened to miss – he’d have to run back to goal quick smart.

On West Brom…

We got to go to West Brom and literally hammer them into the ground, that’s what the manager wants, so I’m prepared. I’m stopping at the hardware on the way to the ground and buying a mallet. Watch out Baggies!

Ok, I gotta go run, I’m going on a date with Cheryl Cole tonight! Woohoo!


Have your say on J’ammanuel’s latest post by leaving a comment.



  1. Ha ha ha ha… Really funny. Do the panthers come with the arsenal t shirts? If yes, I would love a pair too!

  2. I used to quite like this website, there was often some good writing and good comments. It was interesting to read the posts from people around the globe.

    After reading this latest load of old tosh I’m seriously considering removing Arsenal FC Blog from my favourites list.

  3. @ John – Obviously I’m sorry you feel that way and of course you are entitled to your opinion. But I would like to respond that the new articles (some which are analytical, some more light-hearted, like this one) are extra pieces on top of the usual posting that has always been a part of AFCB. They will appeal to some more than others but they bring something new and different to the blog, something a lot of people appear to be enjoying.

    Happy to hear your reply on this mate and I would hate to lose you as a reader because of one satirical piece.

  4. @John. Well it’s obvious some people like it and some people don’t – which is understandable. I think Andy is trying to bring more diversity to the blog – which can only be a good thing. No one is really forcing you to read this, so stick to the other more serious columns.

    I think Andy and the team should be commended for trying to put something different out there – there are so many arsenal blogs doing and saying the same thing. Often I tire of arsebloggers occasional random ‘dream descriptions’, (though I do think he is quite funny most of the time), but I don’t dislike him for trying to make things interesting.

    I know Egnoue might not hit the mark all the time, but its fairly harmless fun.

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