Behind The Scenes with J’ammanuel Egnoue: Injuries, Space Balls and Echidnas

AFCB special columnist J’ammanuel Egnoue gets weirder and wilder than ever before…

Well well well, exciting times in the life of Egnoue. As exciting as being a full time professional football player AND international film star can be.

Since my regular life is about playing roles like Solomon Vandy in Blood Diamond and dashing in from the right to take a shot on goal, getting the chance to sit at home and play with my pet panthers, Lauren and Dixon, is actually quite an exciting prospect. They live with me in my home in north London, but I rarely get to play with them.

They’re great pets, but also valuable security guards. If Christiano Ronaldo ever tries to get near my house, he’s going down like the diving mofo he is. Except this time, it won’t be me taking him down on the pitch, but my pair of bloodthirsty panthers. Yeah, Ronaldo, try appealing for a penalty now! You’ll have no arms!

To the action within Arsenal.

You’ll note that both Robin and Theo got injured in the last week. A shame, cause Theo was in such great form, and Robin is always inspirational. Hopefully, Theo’s injury is not too serious and he can rebound back fast. Robin is out until October which is $%$^ing annoying. Seriously, I’m going to buy them both a pair of mechanical legs so they can stop getting injured. They need to eat whatever the Verminator is eating so they can stop getting injured. Seriously, I saw the Verminator deliberately headbutt the goal post, and walk away unscathed. I’m fairly convinced that he has hyper-alloy combat chassis, much like real terminators. It surely explains much of his heroics on the pitch.

The other big news is that we didn’t sign The Schwartz. And by the Schwartz, I don’t mean the mysterious force that imbibes all living things as I learnt from Mel Brook’s Space Balls.

Instead, I’m referring to Mark Schwarzer. We didn’t sign him. A disappointment, considering we need surety at the back. I know I’m occasionally guilty of becoming distracted by all the fans yelling out to me ‘I loved you in Gladiator!’ and I forget to mark my man and he gets past me. A top-class goal keeper can often cover up my more embarrassing mistakes. Hey, I’m only human!

I was also looking forward to hanging out with Schwarzer. You know, he’s Australian right? He could help me perfect that accent. I’d enjoy eating native Australian food like Wiener Schnitzel and Tafelspitz. I’d also like to eat an Echidna. I hear they’re delicious!

However, it’s good to see Manuel getting a game. He had mentioned to me one day at training that if he was replaced by Mark Schwarzer that he was going to quit goalkeeping, move to south coast of England – Torquay I believe – and become a bumbling Spanish waiter. A bad move for him considering the drop in salary. He’d never be able to afford all those private clown classes he’s been taking on a waiter’s salary!

We have Bolton next. Jabba the Hutt used to manage this team, but has moved on to Blackburn. Now Owen Coyle is in charge. Jack Wilshere Terrier told me that Owen is a cool guy, despite looking like he needs a constant supply of laxatives. Perhaps I’ll give him a case of Metamucil. It’s always worked for me! Wilshere Terrier was on loan here last year and learnt a lot. I’m sure he’ll get a good response from the away crowd. Hopefully his former teammates don’t try breaking his leg.

Wish us luck. I better put down the iPad, the caviar delivery boy is at the door!

Hugs,

J’ammanuel

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