Behind The Scenes with J’ammanuel Egnoue: Arsenal v Blackpool

AFCB special columnist J’ammanuel Egnoue brings takes us behind the scenes of Arsenal v Blackpool…

Greetings and salutations!

It has been an interesting week in the world of Egnoue.

You may have noticed that I didn’t get on the field during Arsenal’s 6-0 steamrolling of Blackpool on the weekend. Thank God for that!

As I said in my last column, in addition to being a professional footballer, I’m also a professional actor, having starred in movies like Gladiator and Blood Diamond. I was even in Beverley Hills 90210!!

Anyway, I’ve been bogged down in practicing my acting which has limited my match fitness. You see, I won a role in the new upcoming blockbuster based upon the events surrounding the French national football team during the recent World Cup.

It is called “Le Sulk” and I’m playing the part of Patrice Evra with the part of Nicolas Anelka being taken by Jack Nicolson. Raymond Domenech is being played Joe Pesci. You know that annoying guy from Lethal Weapon? Yeah him! Joe Hart even makes a cameo as Shay Given! I’m very excited!!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

Football can never compare to the pressure of acting, but what Theo has experienced over the last few seasons comes close. Criticised from all sides, even when he plays well, it must be tough to be an Englishman playing in an English league. Paul Scoles scores a goal for United and the media wets their pants, wondering those ‘what if he still played for England questions’ that the English media loves so much. Theo scores three in one match and there are grumbles of ‘it’s about time!’ Give the lad a break!

Alan Hansen on Match of the Day continues to bleat like a Kenyan mountain goat about Theo’s “decision making” as if every other player in the league never makes a bad decision.

Alan Hansen

At half time between Arsenal and Blackpool, I said to Theo “If you can get a hat trick, I’ll kick Alan Hansen in the nuts.” Obviously, when this actually happened, Theo was so elated he couldn’t help by running to the sideline to give me a hug.

So watch out for your groin, Hansen, I’m coming for you!

Our next match is against Blackburn Rovers, a team run by intergalactic smuggler and occasional manager, Sam “Jabba the Hut” Allardyce. This guy is not my friend, he is my mortal enemy. Their usual tactic is to come out and try maiming as many Arsenal players as possible. They even signed some guy called “Mame” on loan. Typical.

The boss wants us to continue our fairly good start to the season by not giving in to Blackburn’s strong arm tactics. Blackburn are quite good at home, so we must be decisive in the final third. We’re training hard for this one, and I have been working overtime on my chicken-dance goal celebration. It is vital I get that right!

All right, it’s time for my pedicure, I better get off the laptop!



Have your say on J’ammanuel’s column by leaving a comment.



  1. He’s an excitable fella, Egnoue and that picture of Alan Hansen is uncanny.

    Looking forward to the match, have the cable TV in!

  2. Hilarious 😀
    Always looking 4wrd to yur Post Mr.Egnoue . Keep it coming..
    U ended up the Post sounding so GAY… LOL.

  3. My Line-up for the Blackburn Match…

    Sagna Koschiney Vermaelen Clichy

    Sub: Van Persie, Vela, Eboue, Diaby,Gibbs,Vitto

  4. Another wonderful piece by the J’ammin’ Egg! So glad he has the time to fit in the writing. Am hanging out to see the chicken-dance celebration and am hoping Alex Song may join him in the moves ….. ‘cos that would surely make my day 🙂

    @ Darragh – are you sure you know where the cable plugs in?

  5. Sing For Song – I hope I know where the cable plugs in…actually, its already in, so don’t have to worry!

    homer – is Koschiney still banned?

  6. I like the pictures the most, is it Gallas or you ? in every case two great pictures, indeed ❗ 😎

  7. l wd have diaby (never mind his obvious weaknesses
    ) ahead of R7 coz it will be a battle btn football en rugby where the former will win.

  8. We’ve signed two out and out defenders and a tall, direct centre forward. Squilaci is 6′ 1″ and ‘combative’. Koscielny we’ve already seen reads the game superbly and can head the ball. Chamakh can also head he ball and isn’t afraid to put himself about. Even the haters haven’t been able to come up with anything negative to say about these guys. I’m a very ‘appy man.

  9. I just read where wenger is complaining about the potential tactics of blackburn. I can’t understand this blackburn cant play sexy football they have to play what they now this is the nature of the game in england, (PHYSICAL U MUST BE TO WIN THIS LEAGUE)
    Why cant’t rovers do this to MU or CHLS? They can’t as roy keen said in his book ” If you come to play football then we will play and if you come to kick and fight then we will fight”
    SO wenger stop complaining you have said the team has mature this season so lets see if that is true more than half the teams in england play physical so if you cant’t handle it go play in spain
    This will be a nice early test to gauge how far we’ve come because blakburn play contrasting styles

  10. Dear Mr Egnoue

    Please, please, please help Alex Song with his hair?

    (or else make him take his shirt of each time he comes in contact with the ball!) 🙂

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